On Giving Value

Giving value is a completely selfless act. We do it to make others feel better about themselves. When you are giving value, you are seeking nothing in return and giving everything. It is this act of selflessness which resonates with others. We, as humans, are constantly thinking of our selves and have a tendency to act selfishly. Yet when we give value to others, we do so for no purpose other than to make those around us feel better.

Perhaps the argument can be made that by making others around us feel better, we make the world a better place for ourselves (and better equip ourselves to be surrounded by high value people) – a selfish act under the surface. However, the goal of making a better life helps not only ourselves, but those in our immediate vicinity. By feeling better, we are better equipped to help those around us feel better when interacting with us. By making our lives as socially comfortable as possible, we open others up to our world and allow them to feel better about themselves.

It is only after we feel good about ourselves that we can make others feel better. Therefore, a central precept of value-giving is making our lives better along the way. You can say you want to give value, but it is a worthless endeavor if you do not represent value in yourself. If a valueless person gives value to another, what has he given? What does he have to give? You cannot give something that you yourself don’t have.

Therefore, in order to give better value to others, we should constantly be seeking to make our own lives more valuable. This is a lesson not only for pickup, but for every aspect of our lives. If we make efforts every day to make our lives more attractive to not only others, but ourselves, we will have remarkable value reserves that we can then share with others. Some things to do to increase your own value include: dressing better, taking care of your body by working out and eating right, becoming financially stable, having a strong sense of self-worth, being self-amused, and having a strong social circle. When all these things come together, we are in a better place to make others feel better about themselves. When this happens, people will want to be close with you.

If you need an end result for giving value, it is this: by giving value you make it so that others will want to be with you. You give good feelings and others will want those good feelings to continue. The best way to do that is to spend more time with you. You give freely of your time to others, thus giving more value. They value you more highly and are more likely to do things to help you. This in turn gives your life more valuable and better equips you to have high value in the future. By giving value, we set ourselves up to receive value. If done right, it is a never-ending chain of you giving value (expecting nothing in return) and receiving value back, which you then reinvest in others. Once set in motion, this force is not easily stopped and you will be taken care of for a long time to come, value-wise. So give value freely, expect nothing in return, and reap the rewards that come with it.

[FR] 10/4/11 -- Escalate!

Just got back from a road trip yesterday.  On the trip, there was this cute court reporter.  We had some rapport and I was talking to her.  She lives six hours away, but we were flirting and I should've just gone for the number.  It doesn't matter that I live far away.  I could've had her number, built some rapport, then called her next time I was in town for a possible hookup.  Two lessons: ABG and ABC.  I am succeeding at the first, need to work more on the second.

Set 1 -- The Bartender:  I got off of work late last night.  Didn't feel like going out, but didn't feel like going home either.  I hit the local dive bar.  Ordering my drink, a bartender who opened me a couple of nights ago comes up.  "Why do you look familiar," she says to me.  I tell her she bummed a cigarette from me.  We talk a bit about nonsense and she says, "my husband."  I joke some more with her (she was saying how he steals the cigarettes she hides, I say she's not very good at hiding them), but leave it alone.  Her sister is also a bartender and cute, so I flirt with her a bit, but it's hard.

Set 2 -- The Bitchy Girls:  Outside smoking, some girl comes up.  "Is this the ashtray," she says.  I say, "see the cigarette on the side?"  She says something (I was trying to be CF, but may have missed) and walks inside.  Inside they are ordering drinks next to my spot at the bar.  They are a threeset.  Bartender tells them Kettle One is same price as well and the girl's face lights up.  I say, "That's so cute how your face lights up.  You're so excited.  You just made my night."  I'm trying to enter the group, but it's hard.  They are closed off, in a cliquey type thing, and move off to sit right behind me.  All terrible logistics, so I leave it.  However, I do get from them that they are on a bar crawl for some kickball thing.

Set 3 -- The Good One:  Some gal comes in and orders a drink one seat over from me.  I say something, don't know what, that gets her to sit.  We start talking and get into the topic of cheers'ing.  I think I tell her that cheersing with water is bad luck.  She says it's bad luck not to cheers with eye contact.  I tell her that we'll cheers when she gets her drink.  She does and we go to cheers (over the seat between us).  She spills her drink all over the seat in between and breaks eye contact.  I give her shit and told her she broke eye-contact.  She says we'll cheers again after she cleans it up.  I say, "that's nice of you to clean up.  I respect that."  We cheers again, this time with eye contact.  I make some small-talk rapport-building stuff.  We're talking mostly standard stuff (where you from, etc), but the convo is interesting.  Eventually, we are joined by her three friends (two guys and one girl).  Apparently they are all from the kickball thing.  It's now a group, so I am talking to everyone.  It's fun because I am almost immediately accepted into the group (started talking to the guy closest to me as soon as they walk in) and they stop and listen when I talk.  It's amazing how much I've improved in Social Game.  However, my logistics get all fucked up by the external interrupt, I'm out of money, and I have to go pee.  I pee, then head to the bank without so much as a goodbye.  That was definitely beta and bad behavior.  I should have walked up to the gal I was talking to, said, "listen, I have to go, but I like you and find you really interesting.  Let me get your number so we can hang out."  I did not.  But it's OK!  An AFC makes excuses for why something didn't happen, a player says, "what could I have done better?

Interlude:  Go to the bank, then head to a game store where some of my friends are.  Talk to them, grab one and head back to the bar with an eye towards reopening the set.  However, I have a travel bag with me and they won't let me in.  We head to the bar across the street where I know everyone.  Head to the bar in the back.  Bullshit with the bartender who gives us a deal on the drinks, head to the back and grab a table at the patio.  There was a guy there, but we talk to him and he eventually abandons the table.  One thing to know is that my friend is total AFC and a bit of a dick.  He tells me he's listening to Alpha tapes or something, so I tell him about the natural progression of Choad->Asshole->Alpha Male.  He seems disinterested and skeptical.  Enter set 4.

Set 4 -- The Kuwaiti:   We're sitting talking and this beautiful girl comes up and asks for a light.  See a couple posts back how this is a HUGE IOI.  I give her shit.  I say that I have matches and she can only use ONE, but if she blows it, I won't give her another one.  Some more shittalk and she goes to light it.  She does and I say, "now you have to light mine."  I can't tell you how well I started this set.  After both cigarettes are lit, she walks to the other side of our table, sits and says, "now I'm going to sit down."  OK.  She's with a friend who is doing a little bit of cockblocking.  Unfortunate for me, my wing has no idea what is going on and does not disarm the obstacle.  No excuses, I do it and she eventually bounces, leaving the Kuawait.  Another friend of mine comes over and we are now three dudes and one girl sitting at a table.

Here I made some basic mistakes.  One was that the girl was across from me.  We are vibing, but I should have gone closer.  For instance, when my friend entered the set, I should have offered my seat and moved closer to the babe.  The set ultimately failed because I did not do this and thus could not escalate.  It was too bad too, because she was a really cool and cute girl whom I would've like to got to know.  Another mistake was not listening as much as I should and is something I definitely have to work on.

The set went well for a while.  I am managing external factors, keeping her entertained and my friends are having a good time too, I think.  I am making everyone happy (or trying).  At one point the cockblock comes back and says, "we're leaving."  This is where I get Kuwaiti girl's number, but by now it was too late.

One more note about this night, and it is talking to everyone.  By talking to the bartenders in set one, I immediately got into state from being in a low state.  It carried me to the next set, and that set carried me into the next.  I felt sociable and it showed.  People wanted to be around me.  They could see that I was a valuable male.  Remember to talk to everyone, playa.

Some lessons: 

• ABC.  It's easy to say, but it means to ESCALATE.  I have GOT to work more on this.  It also means to follow your gut.  Which leads to:
• Follow your gut.  I heard that, when you think you should kiss a girl (i.e., you start thinking about it), then it's time to kiss the girl.  Something about our reptilian brains picking up the girl's pheromones of her thinking about us in a sexual way.  Sounds new-agey, but I believe it's right.  If it's too hippy for you, remember this: follow your gut.  e.g., the girl from earlier in the day.  There was a point when I thought, "I should get her number."  She was probably thinking, "he should ask for my number."  By not asking, I am being the opposite of a value-giver and make her doubt herself.  Which leads to...
• Get the number.  Never leave a set with a girl your interested in still in it without having gotten a way to continue the conversation.  You are doing yourself a disservice.  It takes energy and time to open a set, talk to them, create value, and keep them entertained.  Getting contact info is the reward for your investment.  Later, you invest more and get better rewards.

Be a Better Man

It's easy to forget, with all the sarging, that the point of the Pick-up community is to make better men.  We all got into this because we were dissatisfied with our lives.  Sure, we may have been all stars on the X-Box, or A students, or athletes.  But the fact remains that something was missing.  That is why we've sought this community out.

Believe it or not, what was missing from our lives was not a lack of women.  The lack of women was merely a symptom of the overall problem: dissatisfaction with our lives.  There are some things to remember about pick-up that have nothing to do with picking up women.  Yet these basic principles will make us inherently better with women.  They are:

- to be outcome independent.  This does not mean don't have goals.  Goals are very important too.  It simply means that we must be satisfied with our lives as they are (and if not, then to change our lives).  It means that we are self-entertained.  It means that we will do what we are doing anyway because we want to.

- to be value-givers.  Pick-up is about connecting to people.  If you are only talking to women, then you are doing it wrong.  Pick-up is talking to everyone.  Pick-up is brightening everyone's days.  You should be just as charming to the bum on the street as you are to that HB9.

- to set goals for ourselves.  Yes, we are to have goals, even though we are outcome independent.  Trust in the system, just do not have an ulterior motive.

- to be self-content.  The end-game of any pick-up artist is to be content with who we are.  Like I said above, we come to this community because of a dissatisfaction with out lives.  It should be our goal to be completely satisfied with our lives.

- finally, have fun.  It's easy to forget this one.  Sarging is hard.  Talking to strangers is hard.  If you aren't having fun, you're not going to last.  So go out there and have fun.

Hope this helps for you guys.  Remember to set your goals and to have fun.  We are doing this to become better people.

On being an alpha male

First thing I'd like to note is that the game is more than about just picking up women.  Although a lot of us come to the game for that very same reason, there is so much more to it than that.  What we, in the field, are teaching newbs and hopefully learning ourselves, is how to become true alpha males.  We want to change our lifestyle.  And much of the time, that is what is needed.

Now, I'd like to explain the term ALPHA.  I don't necessarily mean it in the way you think I do.  A lot of people think that being alpha means always being a leader, doing what you want, not taking shit from anyone.  Sometimes that's true, but that is not exactly what I mean.  What I mean by ALPHA is being a modern alpha male in our society.  A lot of times, when you think of a mPUA, you are thinking of the modern alpha male.  When you are thinking of a natural, you are thinking of a modern alpha male.  When you internalize the game, when the switch "flips," when you realize you are a master, it is because you have become truly ALPHA.  This post will try to define what that means and a little bit on how to get there.

A modern alpha male has a number of unique qualities.  He is:
1. A Value-Giver
2. Confident
3. Fun to be Around
4. Leader of Men
5. Cool

I will now discuss each in turn, going into depth just a bit.  Each of these categories could, and might be in the future, a post of their own.  For now, it's just the basics.

1. Value-Giver - A value-giver is someone who builds others up.  A value-giver is not supplicating, but nor is he condescending.  A value-giver always looks someone in the eyes.  A value-giver always listens.  A value-giver will talk to you no matter who you are: and will smile while he does so, emoting when needed.  A value-giver can give a compliment.  A value giver rarely, if ever, destroys someone emotionally and does not insult someone with malice ("riffing" or "banter" is different and will be discussed later).  A value-giver respects the opinions of others.  He does not knock others down in order to talk to him.  Rather, because he is alpha, he must bring others up to his level, so they can talk as equals.  Most importantly, a value-giver is not an approval-seeker, he is an approval giver.

This topic can go on for some amount of time, and I am sure many of you have questions.  Perhaps this will be a post of its own at some point.

2.  Confidence - A modern alpha male is confident.  He can be anywhere, yet he is completely comfortable with his surroundings.  A modern alpha male has goals, and strives to attain those goals.  He walks down the street with a chest full of air, head held high, chin down, shoulders back, with a steady, even gait.  He walks a little bit faster then everyone else, never avoiding eye contact.  If you see him on the street, you think, now THAT person has somewhere to go, someone to be.

A modern alpha male is completely comfortable wherever he is.  He is never closed off.  His body language is always open, always commanding, and always comfortable.  He takes up a lot of space.  He looks relaxed.  He seems in control of himself and his surroundings.

A modern alpha male is determined.  He knows what he wants and he gets it.  He does not pussyfoot around.  He goes for it.  He is used to other people moving out of his way because his frame is stronger than theirs.  He is unique, and he knows it.  He is uniquely equipped to handle the pressures of life and he does not back down.  He is happy with his job/life and it shows.  People want to be close to him.

3.  Be fun to be around:  A modern alpha male has lots of friends.  He smiles at everyone.  He talks to everyone.  He's a great conversationalist.  People just seem to like him.  They think he's a "great guy."  They're not sure why, it's just something they can't put their finger on.  If you see the modern alpha male at a club, you'll know its him because he'll be surrounded by beautiful women.  They all just want to be closer to him.  Everyone around him is laughing and having a good time.  He makes friends easily because he genuinely likes people.  He's a fun guy.

4.  Leader of Men:  A modern alpha male has many friends.  He has so many friends because he is so much fun to be around.  He is always finding new places to go, inviting friends to the hottest new clubs.  When someone has something fun to do, they call the alpha male.  They want to make sure he's going.  They know the party follows him. 

He leads by example.  He would never tell someone to do something he hasn't tried.  He wouldn't act a way that he doesn't want others to act.  He is confident in his abilities and sees the best in others.  He is the change he wants to see in the world.

5.  He's Cool:  Finally, a modern alpha male is unaffected by his surrounding circumstances.  If something bad happens to him, it's not a big deal.  He shrugs it off and moves on.  This does not mean he is a pushover, merely that he realizes the things he cannot affect should not bother him.  He has his goals in life and follows the path that brings him to those.  Everything outside his power is just that, outside his power.  Why should he fret?

The modern alpha male is not outcome-dependent.  He asks a woman for her phone-number and she says, "I have a boyfriend."  The modern alpha male does not care.  He moves on, or says, "that's great."  The modern alpha male is there for the adventure.  Either you want to hang out with him, or you don't.  It's his world and you're all just living in it. 

**

I think I'll end each post with a challenge.  maybe that can be this blog's thing.  Today's challenge is to go out there and be confident.  Watch your body language.  Be aware of how you hold yourself.  Make eye contact with other people.  Don't cross your arms or legs, don't put your hands in your pockets, don't hide your hands.  Imagine there is a string from the bottom of your spine all the way up through the crown of your head and that someone is pulling that string straight up.  Breath deeply and confidently.  You are the modern alpha male.  Let it show.