Tuesday, August 16, 2011
I'm not hitting on you, unless I am
Something interesting I noticed Saturday night and wanted to share with you all. The South Bay crew were strong in SF over the weekend (and we even had special surprise guests). But that has nothing to do with the observation. As I was walking through the bar, some guy was standing in the middle, controlling his frame, and said to me, "Hey! How're you doing?" Big smile. I said, "Good. It's a little dead in here tonight." He said something, I don't know what. He was really friendly and kind of acting like I knew him, so I asked if we had met the previous night (to see if he's a sedditor). He said, "No, I was salsa-dancing, so probably not." I didn't hear him at first and asked to repeat himself, which he did. It was at this point that it began to dawn on me that this guy was hitting on me (why bring up salsa-dancing, a possible DHV?). My next thought was to eject as quickly and as nicely as possible. So I said to him, "welp, I'm off to look for my friends. Have fun," and I smiled and walked away. He left soon thereafter.
HERE'S MY OBSERVATION: **If that guy continued to act nice to me and was friendly without hitting on me, I probably would've stayed in set and talked to him.** When I go out, I talk to EVERYONE. I'm just a naturally friendly person and like to make sure everyone's having a good time. If someone approaches *me*, you can be damn-well sure that I am going to take my time and give that person some value.
But this person did not do that. He made his intentions known. When I first started talking to him, I wasn't sure if he was hitting on me or not, so I was fine doing the dance. However, as soon as his intentions started to become clear, I just wanted to get out of the set.
HOW DO WE USE THIS TO OUR ADVANTAGE? Two things I got out of this. ONE: If someone is not attracted to you at the start, you can't come in swinging. You must build some value, come in at an angle AND NOT HIT ON HER. If she's not attracted to you and you show interest right away, she's going to know EXACTLY what's going on and want to get out of the situation QUICKLY. In other words, sometimes we need to hide our motivations. This is one of the first things they teach in MM, but I never realized it until now or the power of it. If that guy above had come in, kept smiling and NOT TRIED TO PICK ME UP, I totally would have talked to him. At some point he would have had to try and escalate, but it was too soon.
This is what is meant by "sweeping girls off their feet." You come in talking about some totally random shit. Now, MAKE SURE YOU CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT. So you come in and ask her how she's doing tonight, whatever. You LISTEN. You respond. You LAUGH. You make sure she's laughing. You have a good time. YOU'RE NOT HITTING ON HER. That comes later. You're talking, she's laughing, you're making fun of other people in the bar, guessing their jobs. I don't know what you guys talk about in the field. Whatever you do, she's enjoying herself. As you point something out, you put your arm around her and go, "Look over there." Oh look, YOU JUST INITIATED KINO and it was COMPLETELY NORMAL. Next time you say something you touch her arm for emphasis. It's not weird, because YOU'RE NOT HITTING ON HER. You're having a grand old time talking to her, she's really enjoying talking to you. As you look into each other's eyes, something begins happening. You're moving closer and she' not entirely sure why. She doesn't care though, because she TRUSTS you. Maybe you said something earlier about how you care for stray dogs on your off day, or some bullshit thing you do to get girls to like you. IT'S OK! She likes you! Look at her laughing! You slow down your voice. You smooth it out. You change your eye contact to gazing. You...introduce....pauses. You're moving in. You kiss her.
OK, that's one. If there's attraction in the beginning, throw all this out the window. If you are the life of the party, a high value male that she is checking out across the room BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO BE IN YOUR FRAME, then you're already in. Maybe you wave or point at her to gauge her interest level first. Rock over there and TALK TO HER. BE NORMAL. Don't use a line. All you have to do is not mess up and you're good. You slow down your voice. Smooth it out. Introduce pauses. Get closer. Then you KISS HER. That's it, gents.
TWO: One of the best openers is one in which you assume a connection from the start. "Hey! How's it going." Or, "Hey! How've you been." Or, "Hey! What's up?" Bam, you're in a conversation.
Of course, the game is much easier learned than it is implemented, but I hope this observation and these notes help you boys in the field tonight.
**TL:DR**Gauge her interest level first. If you feel that attraction is low, don't hit on her. Just talk to her, get her laughing and have fun. If she's a nice person, she will WANT to talk to you and if you're interesting she will want to STAY talking to you.